Too Late
Sign on the desk of an airline executive in Chicago: “Don’t bother to agree with me. I’ve already changed my mind.”
You Can’t Get Here from There
A summer visitor was asking a local farmer how to get off Southport Island in Maine and find his way back to Boothbay Harbor. The farmer began to explain how to find the road back to the bridge. The visitor insisted, “But I didn’t cross any bridge to get here.” The farmer looked at him skeptically and replied, “Well, now, if you didn’t cross any bridge, then you ain’t here in the first place, so you got nothing to worry about.”
Unending Logic
After a lecture on the solar system, philosopher William James was approached by a determined elderly lady with a theory. “We don’t live on a ball rotating around the sun,” she said. “We live on a crust of earth on the back of a giant turtle.” James decided to be gentle. “If your theory is correct, madam, what does this turtle stand on?” “The first turtle stands on the back of a second, far larger, turtle, of course.” “But what does this turtle stand on?” The old lady crowed triumphantly. “It’s no use, Mr. James—it’s turtles all the way down!”
Small Change
One of the early novels of William Thackeray first appeared as a serial in a magazine. After a few chapters had been published, the novelist was summoned to the editor’s office.
The editor said, “Our readers are becoming impatient for the hero to marry the heroine.”
Thackeray answered, “I have no plans for them to marry. It would weaken the plot.”
But the editor came back strongly, “Nevertheless, I think they should marry.”
It was obviously more a command than a suggestion and Thackeray, who was financially trapped, was in no position to debate the subject.
He said, “If you insist, I’ll marry them in the next episode. But,” he added, “I cannot guarantee that it will be a happy marriage.”
Hearing Problem or Hardheadedness?
One of the most frustrating conversations in theatrical history is recorded by Theater Arts magazine. A subscriber dialed “Information” for the magazine’s number. “Sorry,” drawled the lady, “but there is nobody listed by the name of ‘Theodore Arts.’” The subscriber insisted: “It’s not a person; it’s a publication. I want Theater Arts.” The operator’s voice rose a few decibels. She repeated, “I told you, we have no listing for Theodore Arts.” By now the subscriber was hollering, “Confound it, the word is Theater: T-H-E-A-T-R-E!” The operator came back with crushing finality: “That—is not the way to spell Theodore.”
Definitely Grape Juice
There was this teetotaling mother who was very vocal from time to time about her theory that only grape juice—not wine—was served at the Last Supper. During one of these discussions, her daughter said: “But mother, don’t you remember at Cana Jesus turned the water into wine?” The mother, eyes blazing, said, “Yes! And He never should have done it either!”