Nothing Sacred
Marriage used to be a contract. Now many regard it as a ninety-day option.
Unlucky Man
He’s been unlucky in both his marriages. His first wife left him and his second wife hasn’t.
The Wages of Sin Is Stupidity
Ann Landers received a letter from a woman who had broken off an affair with a married man and now ten years later wondered if she should have. She still had a nostalgic itch, and her mind was full of “what ifs” and “if onlys.” She wondered if “you knew of a magic switch that could turn off that ever-present longing.” After reading this, another reader sent in her story:
“I met the love of my life when I was twenty-two. He was forty-two and married. Today I am sixty-four. He is eighty-four. His poor sick wife is still with him. As recently as last night, repeated that familiar line: ‘Please wait for me, darling, we will have a life together one of these days. Just be patient.’
“Just how much longer does he think he will live? The man is full of arthritis and has a devil of a time getting out of a chair. He repeats himself constantly and can never remember what he did with his eyeglasses. I must have been nuts to allow him to keep me on the string this long. Somehow the years just flew by and before I knew it, he was an old man and I was no spring chicken. Several months ago when I told him what a fool I had been, he said, ‘If you want to meet someone else go ahead, but you will never find anyone who loves you more than I do.’ I’d give anything if I could turn the clock back to when I was twenty-two. I would have told him to call me up when his divorce was final.”
The Art
Marriage is the art of two incompatible people learning to live compatibly.
Communication in Marriage
A happy couple had always raised cucumbers and made sweet pickles together. The husband just loved to watch things grow. Thus he spent his winters studying the seed catalogs to get the best possible cucumbers. The whole family enjoyed preparing the soil, planting and caring for the plants. He would often go out and just enjoy the way they grew. His wife loved to make sweet pickles. She studied the best recipes and the best methods of preparing and preserving them. They were such a happy family, and all their visitors went home with a jar of their famous pickles. The church always had a good supply of their pickles as well. People marveled at this family that had found a project to do together.
Finally, the man died. The next spring all the children returned home. They said to their mother, “We know how much you love making pickles, so we are going to prepare the garden and plant them for you.” The mother smiled and said, “Thanks a lot children, but you don’t have to do any planting for I really don’t enjoy pickle making. I only did that because your father loved to grow the cucumbers so much.” The children were all amazed, but the youngest son was upset, because the father had pulled him aside not too long before and shared with him that he really didn’t like growing cucumbers, but only did it to please his mother!
Is this a happy or a sad story? I’m not sure. In many ways it is happy. They were happy doing for each other. People enjoyed being with them. But why is it also sad? Primarily, because they were not able to share their changing needs and joys with each other. Instead of growing, they stagnated in the performance of what they thought were their duties to each other.
The Seven Stages of the Married Cold
A husband’s reactions to his wife’s colds during seven years of marriage:
First year: “Sugar dumpling, I’m really worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep going around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good rest. I know the food’s lousy, but I’ll be bringing your meals in from Rozzini’s. I’ve already got it all arranged with the floor superintendent.”
Second year: “Listen, darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough and I’ve called Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl, just for Poppa.”
Third year: “Maybe you better lie down, honey. Nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you something. Have we got any canned soup?”
Fourth year: “Now look, dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids and got the dishes done and the floor finished, you better lie down.”
Fifth year: “Why don’t you take a couple of aspirin?”
Sixth year: “I wish you’d just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all evening.”
Seventh year: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! Are you trying to give me pneumonia?”
Communication after Many Years
There is a story about a man and wife who were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary—fifty years of married life. Having spent most of the day with relatives and friends at a big party given in their honor, they were back home again. They decided, before retiring, to have a little snack of tea with bread and butter. They went into the kitchen, where the husband opened up a new loaf of bread and handed the end piece (the heel) to his wife. Whereupon she exploded! She said, “For fifty years you have been dumping the heel of the bread on me. I will not take it anymore; this lack of concern for me and what I like.” On and on she went in the bitterest of terms, for offering her the heel of the bread. The husband was absolutely astonished at her tirade. When she had finished, he said to her quietly, “But it’s my favorite piece.”
Wise Strategy
Keep your eyes open before marriage; half shut afterwards. –Benjamin Franklin
The Role of a Wife
Every man needs a wife, because many things go wrong that he can’t blame on the government.
Specifications for a Husband
When Ruth Bell was a teenage girl going off to Korea for schooling from her childhood home in China, she fully intended to be a confirmed old maid missionary to Tibet. But she did give the thought of a husband some serious consideration. She wrote the following list of particulars:
“If I marry: He must be so tall that when he is on his knees, as one has said, he reaches all the way to heaven. His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family. His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss. Love must be so deep that it takes its stand in Christ and so wide that it takes the whole lost world in. He must be active enough to save souls. He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful. His arms must be strong enough to carry a little child.” –Ruth Bell Graham
Luther on Marriage
Along comes the clever harlot, namely natural reason, looks at married life, turns up her nose and says: “Why must I rock the baby, wash its diapers, change its bed, smell its odor, heal its rash, take care of this and take care of that, do this and do that? It is better to remain single and live a quiet and carefree life. I will become a priest or a nun and tell my children to do the same.” But what does the Christian faith say? The father opens his eyes, looks at these lowly, distasteful, and despised things and knows that they are adorned with divine approval as with the most precious gold and silver. God, with His angels and creatures, will smile—not because diapers are washed, but because it is done in faith. –Martin Luther
Communication after Many Years (II)
A golden anniversary party was thrown for an elderly couple. The husband was moved by the occasion and wanted to tell his wife just how he felt about her. She was very hard of hearing, however, and often misunderstood what he said. With many family members and friends gathered around, he toasted her: “My dear wife, after fifty years I’ve found you tried and true!” Everyone smiled approval, but his wife said, “Eh?” He repeated louder, “AFTER FIFTY YEARS I’VE FOUND YOU TRIED AND TRUE!” His wife harumped and shot back, “Well, let me tell you something—after fifty years I’m tired of you, too!”
Preview
If you wish to know how she will talk to you after marriage, listen while she talks to her younger brothers.
Tender Symbolism
I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that, he brightened and whispered, “I’ve never seen that done before.” I whispered back, “You know what it means, don’t you?” His response: “No more old flames?”
Watch Out for the Little Bugs
A mighty tree stood high upon the mountain. It survived the hail, the heavy snows, the storms, the bitter cold of many years. Then finally it was felled by an attack of little beetles. And so it is with marriage.
Heavy Metal
A teenage girl was examining her grandmother’s wedding ring. The girl said, “Wow, what heavy and cumbersome rings those were fifty years ago.” The grandmother replied, “That’s true, but don’t forget that in my day they were made to last a lifetime.”
The Policy
Love is not an emotion. It is a policy. –High Bishop
No Substitutes
A woman was suffering from depression, so her concerned husband took her to a psychiatrist. The doctor listened to the couple talk about their relationships, and then said, “The treatment I prescribe is really quiet simple.” With that he went over to the man’s wife, gathered her up in his arms, and gave her a big kiss. He then stepped back and looked at the woman’s glowing face and broad smile. Turning to the woman’s husband, her said, “See! That’s all she need to put new life back into her.” Expressionless, the husband said, “OK, Doc. I can bring her in on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Because She Was Loved
I once knew a very old married couple who radiated a tremendous happiness. The wife especially, who was almost unable to move because of old age and illness and in whose kind old face the joys and sufferings of many years had etched a hundred lines, was filled with such a gratitude for life that I was touched to the quick. Involuntarily, I asked myself what could possibly be the source of his kindly person’s radiance. In every other respect they were common people, and their room indicated only the most modest comfort. But suddenly I knew where it all came from, for I saw those two speaking to each other, and their eyes hanging upon each other. All at once it became clear to me that this woman was dearly loved.
It was not because she was a cheerful and pleasant person that she was loved by her husband all those years. It was the other way around. Because she was so loved she became the person I saw before me. –Helmut Thielicke
Charles Dickens on Marriage
Sam Weller addressing his son: “When you’re a married man, Samivel, you’ll understand a good many things as you don’t understand now; but vether it’s worth while goin’ through so much to learn so little, as the charity boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a matter of taste.” –Charles Dickens
Ideal Marriage
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. –Danish proverb
Gamble
Marriage is a lottery in which a man stakes his liberty and a woman her happiness. –Mme. De Rieux
Promo and Reality
The difference between courtship and marriage is the difference between the pictures in the seed catalog and what comes up. –James Wharton
Appearance of Ease
Marriage is like twirling a baton. Turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. –Helen Roland
Growing More Valuable
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have—the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. –Agatha Christie
Mutuality
Another important emphasis in speaking on the gifts and/or fruits of the Spirit is mutuality. By our differences we complement one another in the body of Christ. I think it was in the Reader’s Digest I saw a story about the woman who was away for a few days at a teachers’ convention. Suddenly she remembered it was Monday, trash day, and she expressed her concern to her friend. But her friend tried to calm her fears, reminding her that her husband was still at home and he could certainly put out the trash by himself. But she said, “It takes both of us to take out the trash. I can’t carry it and he can’t remember it.”
The Oblivious Drunk
A fellow frequently came home drunk and he was so far gone that he would fall into bed fully clothed, pass out, and then snore loudly all night long. Finally, his wife was losing so much sleep because of his snoring that she went to her doctor and said, “Doc, I can’t take it any longer. If you’ll only tell me how to keep him from snoring, I’ll pay you anything.” The doctor said there was no problem at all. He could give her the answer and he wouldn’t even charge her. He told her that whenever her husband passed out, and started to snore, she was to take a ribbon and tie it around his nose, and his snoring would stop. Well, that night her husband came in as usual, fell across the bed, fully dressed, passed out and started snoring. The wife got up, pulled a blue ribbon from her dresser, and tied it around his nose. Sure enough, the snoring stopped. Next morning, the wife, fully refreshed, was preparing breakfast and asked her husband, as he was awakening, “Honey, where were you last night?” The husband, still fully clothed, looked in the mirror and seeing the blue ribbon around his nose, replied, “I don’t know, but wherever I was, I won first prize!”
Who’s the Boss?
A farmer’s boy decided to get married. His father said to him, “John, when you get married, your liberty is gone.”
The boy said he did not believe it. The father said, “I’ll prove it to you. Catch a dozen chickens, tie their legs together, and put them in the wagon. Hitch up the two horses to the wagon and drive into town. Stop at every house you come to, and wherever you find the man is boss, give him a horse. Wherever you find the woman is boss, give her a chicken. You’ll give away all your chickens and come back with two horses.”
The boy accepted the proposition and drove to town. He had stopped at every house and had given away ten chickens when he came to a nice little house and saw an old man and his wife standing out on the front lawn. He called to them and asked, “Who is boss here?”
The man said, “I am.” Turning to the woman, the boy said, “Is he boss?” The woman replied, “Yes, he’s boss.” The boy asked them to come down to the street. He then explained his reason for asking and told the man to pick out one of the horses. He said he would bring the horse back to him that afternoon. The old man and the old lady looked over the horses carefully, and the husband said, “I think the black horse is the better of the two.”
The wife then said, “I think that bay horse is in every way the better horse. I would choose him.”
The old man took a careful look at the bay horse and said, “I guess I’ll take the bay horse.”
The boy smiled and said, “No, you won’t; you’ll take a chicken.”
How to Get Along
A lawyer and a psychologist were making small talk at a party. “You and your wife get along very well,” said the lawyer. “Do you ever have differences of opinion?” “Definitely,” said the psychologist, “very often—but we get over them quickly.” “How do you do that?” asked the lawyer. “Simple,” said the psychologist, “I never tell her about them.”
Real Satisfaction, of Sorts
Lucy: What happened when you showed your new engagement ring to the women in the office? Did they admire it?
Lois: Admire it? Four of them recognized it!
Two Become One
Newly added to our wedding service is the ceremony of lighting the wedding candle by the bride and groom. Explaining the procedure ahead of time, I tell the couple they each take a small burning candle, representing their solitary life thus far, and together they light the large, middle, wedding candle. When they put their small candles back into holders, they can either extinguish them, or leave them burning to represent their unique personalities. During the wedding, it is interesting to see whether they leave the individual candles aglow or put them out. At a recent wedding, the bride and groom put the individual candles back into their holders with the flames burning. Then the bride, an impish gleam in her eye, bent over and blew out her husband’s candle. The congregation burst into laughter. When I told of the incident at a ministerial meeting, Father Tom Glen commented wryly, “During the marriage ceremony two become one—on the honeymoon they discover which one.”
The Color of Your Marriage
When I walk on the beach to watch the sunset, I do not call out, “A little more orange over to the right, please,” or “Would you mind giving us less purple in the back?” No, I enjoy the always-different sunsets as they are. We do well to do the same with people we love.” –Carl Rogers
I Married You Because You Promised
In Thornton Wilder’s play, The Skin of Our Teeth, the character Mrs. Antrobus says to her husband, “I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I married you because you gave me a promise.” She takes off her ring and looks at it. “That promise made up for your faults and the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the marriage.”
One Last Chance
A man never opened the car door for his wife or any other woman. He felt it was a sissy Emily Post kind of thing to do and “Besides,” he was fond of saying, “she doesn’t have two broken arms.” His table manners left much to be desired, and manners in general were looked upon by him as quite unnecessary.
After many years of marriage, the wife died and her husband was heartbroken because he truly loved her. Somehow, as the pallbearers brought her casket out of the funeral service, the husband and his family reached the hearse ahead of them. The mortician was back a few feet, and since he knew the husband quite well, he called him by name and said, “Open the door for her, will you?” The man reached for the door handle and then, for one second, just froze. He realized he had never opened a car door for her in life; now in her death, it would be the first, last, and only time. It was a moment for him when years of regrets came crashing down around him.
Double Message
A young woman quickly signed for a library book, the title page of which read:
HOW–
To Reach Men, To Hold Men, To Win Men, It Has Been Done
When she got home and examined the fine print at the bottom of the page, she read: A Manual of Useful Information on How to Build a Men’s Bible Class.