Ironies of Life: Both sugar and vinegar are preservatives, so it seems to boil down to whether you want to be pickled or in a jam.
If you build a large business, you’re a sinister influence; if you don’t, you’re a failure.
We blame bad luck on others but take credit for good luck for ourselves.
Luck is what enabled others to get where they are–talent is what enabled us to get where we are.
If God had really intended men to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.
The “metallic age”–gold in your teeth, silver in your hair, and lead in your pants.
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.
Rapp’s Law of Inanimate Reproduction: If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.
If the milk business ever becomes a public utility, we suppose that will make a cow a holding company.
It’s a sin to play golf on Sunday, the way some play it.
A dentist is a person who puts two instruments and a hand in your mouth and then asks you a question.
The only way to stay awake during the after-dinner speech is to make it.
Campers usually end up with tents nerves.
It’s true, people who snore always seem to fall asleep first.
The straight and narrow path would not be so narrow if more people would walk it.
Most of the time the shortest distance between two points is under construction.
A repairman is one who can smile when everything goes wrong.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains–and gives them to other people.
The slow thinker lives longest–but not if he tries to cross the street.
Jelly is a food usually found on bread, children, and piano keys.
If people should visit the moon, they wouldn’t have an earthly things to do.
Now that man has reached the moon, maybe we can make another try getting the pigeons down from our public buildings.
Pollution is getting so bad, magicians complain there’s no more thin air to make people disappear.
Picnics are occasions on which people have their outings and insects their innings.
The early fish gets hooked for the same thing the early bird gets credit for.
Whoever said swimming is good for the figure should take a good look at the whale.
Why do shipments go by car and cargo by ship?
Weather forecasters are becoming more accurate, but they are still several hours behind arthritis.
A flea circus may be a good act, but it takes termites to bring down the house.
If you are all sugar, the world will eat you. If you are all vinegar, the world will spit you out.
Our nation’s foreign relations at times become very poor relations.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
It’s a short road to some people’s wit’s end.
A minor operation is one performed on someone else.
Nothing wrong ever happens at the right time.
The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions, sidestepping responsibility, and pushing their luck.
Our days are like identical suitcases–all the same size, but some people pack more in them than others.
Many a live wire would be dead if it weren’t for his connections.
An atheist is a man who has no visible means of support.
Everybody is a little neurotic these days; you can’t be normal if you aren’t.
War does not, and cannot, prove which side is right; only which side is stronger.
An argument is the longest distance between two points of view.
To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.
Human nature is such that the distant wars, earthquakes, and other calamities seem less catastrophic than the first scratch on your new car.
One sure way of becoming a prophet is to keep on saying things are going to get bad.
A celebrity is someone who works hard to become well known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Everyone can do something better than anyone else–reading his own handwriting, for instance.
Suspenders are just about the oldest form of social security.
Statistics can be used to support anything–especially statisticians.
No two people are alike, and both are glad of it.
Why can’t we realize that independence is one of our benefits?
If your life seems flat, accent it with the salt of God’s grace.
A sign over a welding shop: We mend everything except a broken heart and the break of day.