Bending the Truth
A young mother encountered her son on the street when he should have been in school. When the boy finished explaining why he was not where he was supposed to be, the mother replied, “I’m not accusing you of telling a life. I’m just saying that I have never before heard of a school that gives time off for good behavior.”
Whoops, Too Late
Employees in a Midwestern company recently found this message printed on their pay envelopes: “If the amount is this envelope does not agree with the amount on your pay slip, please returned the envelope unopened to the cashier.”
Summer Ethics
A young lady was soaking up the sun’s rays on a Florida beach when a little boy in his swimming trunks, carrying a towel, came up to her and asked her, “Do you believe in God?” She was surprised by the question, but replied, “Why, yes, I do.” Then he asked her, “Do you go to church every Sunday?” Again, her answer was “Yes!” Then he asked, “Do you read the Bible and pray every day?” Again she said, “Yes!” But by now her curiosity was very much aroused. At last the lad sighed and said, with obvious relief, “Will you hold my quarter while I go in swimming?”
Don’t Let It Happen Again
One day, Sam Jones got fifty cents too much in his pay envelope, but he didn’t say a word. During the week, the paymaster found out his mistake, and on the next payday deducted fifty cents.
Jones said, “Excuse me, sir, but I’m fifty cents short this week.”
“You didn’t complain last week,” replied the paymaster.
Sam came back, “No, sir, I don’t mind overlooking one mistake. But when it happens twice, then it’s time to say something.”
Insomnia and Incomplete Repentance
An honest letter was sent to the Internal Revenue Service. It stated: “Dear Sirs: I cannot sleep. Last year, when I filed my income tax return, I deliberately misrepresented my income. Now I cannot sleep. Enclosed is a check for $150 for taxes. If I still cannot sleep, I will send you the rest!”
Deep Candor
Dentist is overheard speaking to his patient as he bends over him with a hypodermic needle in hand: “You might feel a little sting. On the other hand, it might feel as though you’ve been kicked in the mouth by a mule.”
Sin Found Out
A certain woman, preparing to entertain guests, went to a small grocery store to buy food. She stopped at the meat counter and asked the attendant for a large chicken. He reached down into the cold storage compartment, grabbed the last chicken he had, and placed it on the scale. “This one weighs four pounds, ma’am,” he said. “I’m not sure that will be enough,” the woman replied. “Don’t you have a bigger one?” The attendant put the chicken back into the compartment, pretended to search through the melting ice for another one, and then brought out the same bird, discreetly applying some finger pressure to the scale. “Ah,” he said with a smile, “this one weighs six pounds.” “I’m just not sure,” the woman said with a frown. “I’ll tell you what—wrap them both up for me!”
Be Sure to Get the Whole Story
A farmer in Bloomington bought a horse and was told, honestly, by the seller that there was only one thing wrong with the horse: He liked to sit on avocados. The farmer said, “Well, that’s fine with me. There aren’t any avocados around here.” So he put down his money, mounted the horse and started home. On the way they had to cross a stream, and right in the middle the horse sat down and wouldn’t budge. The farmer walked back to the horse dealer and explained what happened. “Well, now you never said nothin’ about water, so I didn’t tell you . . . .” The farmer said, “Didn’t tell me what?” The horseman explained, “If he can’t get avocados, he likes to sit on fish.”
Childish Deception
This true story takes place in the kindergarten class in an experimental school. The august superintendent of schools walked into the library unannounced. All the staff members were terribly flustered. The superintendent just smiled and seated himself beside a cute little girl. She was looking at a pre-primer. It consisted of single items on a page. He asked the little tyke to identify the items. She responded with, “That’s a boy and that’s a girl and that’s a house. That’s a car, that’s a top, and that’s a truck.” When she came to a picture of a hatchet, she said, “That’s a hammer.” He said nothing. She turned the page and there was a hammer. She turned back and looked again at the hatchet, then back at the hammer. She quickly closed the book and, smiling sweetly, she said, “We are in the library and we really shouldn’t be talking.” What a perfect picture of our quickly learned ability to hide our sin.
The Little Voice Inside
When I was a boy, I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelon, so I sneaked quietly up to the cart and snitched one. Then I ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon. No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment’s hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon—and took a ripe one. –Mark Twain
To Tell a Lie
In Boston a minister noticed a group of boys standing around a small stray dog. “What are you doing, boys?”
“Telling lies,” said one of the boys. “The one who tells the biggest lie gets the dog.”
“Why, when I was your age,” the shocked minister said, “I never ever thought of telling a lie.”
The boys looked at one another, a little crestfallen. Finally, one of them shrugged and said, “I guess he wins the dog.”
Going Out of Business
This notice appeared in the window of a store in New York City: “Don’t be fooled by imitators who claim to be going out of business. We have been going out of business longer than anyone on this block.”
Driving without the Necessary Papers
Nothing improves a person’s driving skills like the sudden discovery that his license has expired.
A Persistent Problem with the Truth
A little girl had developed a bad habit. She was always lying. Once when she was given a St. Bernard dog for her birthday, she went out and told all the neighbors that she had been given a lion. The mother took her aside and said, “I told you not to lie. You go upstairs and tell God you are sorry. Promise God you will not lie again.” The little girl went upstairs, said her prayers, then came down again. Her mother asked, “Did you tell God you are sorry?” The little girl replied, “Yes, I did. And God said sometimes He finds it hard to tell my dog from a lion, too.”
Honest Dealings
A client went to his attorney and said: “I am going into a business deal with a man I do not trust. I want you to frame an airtight contract that he can’t break, which will protect me from any sort of mischief he may have on his mind.” The attorney replied: “Listen, my friend. There is no group of words in the English language that will take the place of plain honesty between men, which will fully protect either of you if you plan to deceive each other.”
Strategic Timing of the Truth
A New Hampshire farmer took his horse to see the veterinarian. He complained about the horse: “One day he limps, the next day he doesn’t. What should I do?” The vet advised him, “On the day he doesn’t limp, sell him!”
Plan Ahead
A favorite joke among San Francisco lawyers concerns the phony who fakes an injury in an auto accident, comes to court in a wheel chair, and is awarded two hundred thousand dollars. When the verdict is announced, the insurance company lawyer snaps, “You’re going to be tailed by a private eye wherever you go from now on, and as soon as you take one step out of that wheelchair, we’ll throw you in jail.” The phony smiles and advises the lawyer pleasantly, “Don’t go to all that trouble. I’m going from here to the Waldorf in New York, then to the Savoy in London, then to the Ritz in Paris, then on to the French Riviera, and after that to Lourdes for the miracle.”
Grave Excuses
A young man arrested for stealing a car, had the year’s most novel excuse. He’d found the automobile in front of a cemetery, he explained, and thought the owner was dead.
Partial Lying
A school principal received a phone call. The voice said, “Thomas Bradley won’t be in school today.” The principal was a bit suspicious of the voice. He asked, “Who is speaking?” The voice came back, “My father.”
Chickens Coming to Roost
John Smith was a loyal carpenter, working for a very successful building contractor who called him into his office one day and said, “John, I’m putting you in charge of the next house we build. I want you to order all the materials and oversee the whole job from the ground up.”
John accepted the assignment with great enthusiasm and excitement. For ten days before ground was broken at the building site, John studied the blueprints. He checked every measurement, every specification. Suddenly he had a thought. “If I am really in charge,” he said to himself, “why couldn’t I cut a few corners, use less expensive materials, and put the extra money in my pocket? Who would know the difference? Once the house is painted, it will look just great.”
So John set about his scheme. He ordered second-grade lumber, but his reports indicated that it was top-grade. He ordered inexpensive concrete for the foundation, put in cheap wiring, and cut every corner he could, yet he reported the purchase of much better materials. When the home was completed and fully painted, he asked the contractor to come and see it.
“John,” said the contractor, “what a magnificent job you have done! You have been such a good and faithful carpenter all these years that I have decided to show my gratitude by giving you this house you have built, as a gift!”
Honesty as a Policy
The editor of a small-town newspaper grew tired of being called a liar, and announced that he would tell the truth in the future. The next issue contained the following item:
“Married—Miss Sylvan Rhodes and James Collins, last Saturday at the Baptist parsonage, by the Rev. J. Gordon. The bride is a very ordinary town girl, who doesn’t know any more about cooking than a jackrabbit, and never helped her mother three days in her life. She is not a beauty by any means and has a gait like a duck. The groom is an up-to-date loafer. He has been living off the old folks at home all his life and is now worth shucks. It will be a hard life.”