Always Read the Instructions
A man was at a banquet listening to a well-known and much-admired political leader making a speech. He was seated next to the speaker’s wife. He had noticed that the speaker was immaculately attired—he even had fancy monograms on his socks. But when he looked a little closer, he saw that the monogram was not your usual two or three letters—but rather four letters. And they didn’t seem to have any relationships to his initials. Rather, on closer inspection, he noticed that the monogram was TGIF. Puzzled by these familiar initials being on the man’s socks, he turned to the politician’s wife, and asked why he had TGIF on his socks, which everyone knew meant “Thank Goodness It’s Friday.” She nodded her head negatively and said, “oh no, that’s not what the letters are for. The monograms are there to help him get dressed. They stand for ‘Toes Go In First!’”
Priorities
A cartoon in “The Wizard of Id” showed a poor bedraggled peasant coming up behind Rodney, the foot soldier, pointing his finger in his back and saying, “This is a stick-up! Hand over your money!” Rodney turns around with his hands up and then notices the crook is just using his finger and comments, “You don’t even have a weapon!” The thief agrees and says: “It’s the first thing I’m going to buy!”
Appropriate Fear
I’m scared! I don’t know whether the world is full of smart men bluffing or imbeciles who mean it. –Morrie Brickman
The Dull of Understanding
A certain man was troubled with dizzy spells. He went from one doctor to another and none could tell him what the problem was. He tried everything, it seemed. Finally, it was bothering him so much, he started to lose weight, and he couldn’t sleep at night. He became a nervous wreck and his health began to deteriorate. He had lost hope that he would ever recover. So he decided to prepare for the worst. He made out his will, bought a cemetery plot, and even made arrangements with the local undertaker for what he was convinced was his soon demise. He even decided to buy a new suit of clothes to be buried in. When he went into the haberdasher’s, he was measured for everything and picked out shoes, socks, coat, pants—and he asked for a size 15 shirt as well. The clerk said, “But sir, you need a size 16 shirt, not 15.” But the man insisted he wore a size 15. Finally, in exasperation, the clerk said, “But if you wear a size 15 you’ll get dizzy spells.”
Shame of Pleasure
When I was a child of seven years old, my friends, on a holiday, filled my pockets with coppers. I went directly to a shop where they sold toys for children, and, being charmed with the sound of a whistle that I met by the way in the hands of another boy, I voluntarily offered and gave all my money for one. I then came home and went whistling all over the house, much pleased with my whistle, but disturbing all the family. My brothers and sisters and cousins, understanding the bargain I had made, told me I had given four times as much for it as it was worth; put me in mind of what good things I might have bought with the rest of the money; and laughed at me so much for my folly that I cried with vexation; and the reflection gave me more chagrin than the whistle gave me pleasure. –Benjamin Franklin
Preparing for a New Vocation
A man became disenchanted with the city life he was living. He decided to move to the country and start a chicken farm. He bought a farmhouse with some land around it and, after he had moved in, he bought 200 baby chicks. But they all quickly died. He bought 200 more baby chicks but, again, they all died a short time later. Puzzled and distressed, the man wrote to the county agricultural agent and described everything that had happened. He concluded his letter, “I want very much to be a successful chicken farmer. Therefore, can you tell me: Have I been planting the chicks too close together or too deep?” Whereupon the county agent wrote back and said, “I can’t answer your question until you send me a soil sample.”
The Gambler’s Illusion
A gambling nut bet on twelve football games over the weekend and lost on all of them. The next weekend, he bet on twelve more football games and lost again. The following week, he called his bookie, who told him there were no football games scheduled. However, the bookie explained he could have his pick of either team in eight hockey games. The big plunger sneered, “Hockey? What the blazes do I know about hockey?”
Shortsighted Swine
A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root around the tree. A crow remarked, “You should not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die.” “Let it die,” said the pig. “Who cares as long as there are acorns.”
The Right to Be Stupid
Everyone has a constitutional right to be a jackass as long as he knows when the statute of limitations run out.
The Sin of Government Waste
Senator William Proxmire reported to the Senate that the Department of Transportation had squandered $225,000 on a study forecasting transportation needs in the year 2025. Proxmire pointed out that this study took the entire federal tax payments of more than 120 of his Wisconsin constituents. And for what? To produce findings like these: (1) If there is a new Ice Age, a lot of people will have to move to the South or Southwest; (2) if people start having a lot of kids again, there will be increased demand for transportation services for them; (3) it will be risky using automobiles in regions where urban guerilla warfare breaks out.
I Don’t Belong Here
A preacher was addressing the people one Sunday, trying to impress upon them the importance of religion. “All you people of this congregation,” he cried from the pulpit, “One day you’re going to die. Do you hear me? All you people of this congregation, one day you’re going to die.” One little man sitting in the front pew started to laugh, so the preacher asked him, “What’s so funny?” The man answered, “I don’t belong to this congregation.”
Dead, Yet Not Really
After he was defeated for the Presidency, Thomas E. Dewey said the best analogy of his feelings the day after—when he saw defeat snatched from the jaws of victory—was of the mourner who had passed out from too much drinking at a wake and was laid in a spare coffin in the funeral parlor to sleep it off. When he came to and realized where he was lying, he asked himself, “If I’m alive, why am I in this coffin? And if I’m dead, why do I have to go to the bathroom?”