The Story of Noah Retold
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord: “Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down—yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah: “I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.”
And Noah said: “It will be so.”
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah: “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord: “Mine subcontractors hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber had gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”
And the Lord grew angry and said: “And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?”
And Noah said: “They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”
And the Lord said: “How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: “Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; Thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in His wisdom said: “Noah, my son, I knowest. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?”
Reasons to Avoid Church
A husband and his wife arose one Sunday morning and the wife dressed for church. It was just about time for the service when she noticed her husband hadn’t moved a finger toward getting dressed. Perplexed, she asked, “Why aren’t you getting dressed for church?” He said, “Cause I don’t want to go.” She asked, “Do you have any reasons?” He said, “Yes, I have three good reasons. First, the congregation is cold. Second, no one like me. And third, I just don’t want to go.”
The wife replied, wisely, “Well, honey, I have three reasons why you should go. First, the congregation is warm. Second, there are a few people there who like you. And third, you’re the pastor! So get dressed!”
Excuses for Stinginess
Horace Bushnell made this list of those excused from benevolence giving:
Those who believe “every man for himself.”
Those who believe that Christ made a mistake when He said, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel.”
Those who regret that missionaries ever came to our ancestors.
Those who believe that the gospel will not save anybody.
Those who want no share in the final victory.
Those who believe they are not accountable to anybody for the trust they enjoy.
Those who are prepared to accept the final sentence: “Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of these, you did not to Me.”
Doggone Excuses
A class of high school sophomores had been assigned a term paper. Now the day of reckoning had come, the papers were due to be handed in. The teacher knew that a particular student, named Gene, had not been working steadily on his paper as others had in the class. He was prepared for some sort of excuse. When the teacher went to collect the papers, Gene said, “My dog ate it.” The teacher, who had heard them all, gave Gene a hard stare of unbelief. But Gene insisted and persisted. “It’s true. I had to force him, but he ate it.”
Best Alibi
When the Police League of Indiana sponsored a Best Speeding Alibi contest, one honorable mention award went to an exasperated father who was stopped with a load of fighting, squalling children in his backseat. He told the officer, “I was trying to get away from all the noise behind me.”
Worst Alibi
George Shamblin insisted to police that he was trying to save his wife from drowning when he threw rocks at her as she struggled in the Kanawha River. “I was trying to drive her back to shore,” he said.
Late Date
As the young boy was trying to sneak his date back into her home—very late—the couple was met by a very angry father at the head of the stairs. He boomed out, “Young man, didn’t I hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter home?” The clever boy replied, “Yes, sir, you did. It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn’t disturb you.” The father muttered, “Doggone it! Why didn’t I think of that in my day?”
Creativity
A farmer asked his neighbor if he might borrow a rope.
“Sorry,” said the neighbor, “I’m using the rope to tie up my milk.”
“Milk?” exclaimed the first farmer. “Rope can’t tie up milk.”
“I know,” replied the neighbor, “but when a man doesn’t want to do something, one reason is as good as another.”