What’s in a Name?
A newspaper ad read: “Lost—one dog. Brown hair with several bald spots. Right leg broken due to auto accident. Left hip hurt. Right eye missing. Left ear bitten off in a dog fight. Answers to the name Lucky.”
Breaking Bad News
A man was out of town on a trip and he asked his brother to take care of his cat for him while he was away. The cat was a beautiful Siamese and meant a great deal to the man, although the brother who was caring for the cat didn’t like cats at all. When he got back from the trip, he called his brother’s house and asked about his cat. The brother was very curt, and replied, “Your cat died.” And then he hung up. For days the man was inconsolable. Finally, he phoned his brother again to point out, “It was needlessly cruel and sadistic of you to tell me so bluntly that my poor cat had passed away.” The brother demanded, “Well, what did you expect me to do?” He said, “Well, you could have broken the bad news to me gradually. First, you could have said the cat was playing on the roof. Later you could have called to say he fell off. The next morning you could have reported he had broken his leg. Then, when I came to get him, you could have told me he had passed away during the night. But you didn’t have it in you to be that civilized. Now tell me—how’s Mama?” The brother pondered momentarily, then announced, “She’s playing on the roof.”
Opening Line
I went to hear a lecture by Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. He started out by saying, “I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I look around and I know it’s wonderful to be here, but I don’t know where to begin.”
Life and Risk
A newspaperman, visiting that Raiders’ football camp a few years ago, had just come from the Jack London Historic Monument. He read a sample of London’s prose to quarterback Ken Stabler:
“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot.
“I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.”
After reading this to the quarterback, he asked, “What does that mean to you?”
Stabler replied: “Throw deep.”
Mixed Message
A man came up to a fellow and said, “Sir, I don’t know you, but I must ask you a question. It’s kind of personal, but I’m dying to ask you. Would you be offended at a personal question?” The man was a bit taken aback, but said, “Well, I guess not. What is it?” He said, “Well, I’m just so curious. Would you mind telling me if you are wearing a toupee?” The response came back immediately, “No, of course not!” But the man persisted. “Sir, you can be candid with me. I won’t think any the less of you. Tell me honestly, are you wearing a toupee?” By now the man was getting a bit ticked off, and said, “Absolutely not!” and started to leave. But the fellow would not be dismissed, he held on to his arm. “Please, sir, be patient with me. Honest, you are wearing a toupee, aren’t you?” By now the man was really uncomfortable and just wanted to get away from the pest. And simply to get rid of him, said, “Well, if you insist, OK. Yes, I’m wearing a toupee.”
“Really? You’d never know it.”
Questions Not to Ask
A little girl was talking to her grandmother. She asked, “Grandma, how old are you?”
The grandmother replied, “Now, dear, you shouldn’t ask people that question. Most grown-ups don’t like to tell their age.”
The following day, the girl had another question. “Grandma, how much do you weigh?”
Once again, the grandmother replied, “Oh, honey, you shouldn’t ask grown-ups how much they weigh. It isn’t polite.”
The next day the little girl was back with a big smile on her face. She said, “Grandma, I know how old you are. You’re sixty-two. And you weigh 140 pounds.”
The grandmother was a bit surprised and said, “My goodness, how do you know?” The girl smiled and said, “You left your driver’s license on the table, and I read it.”
Grandmother said, “Oh, so that’s how you found out.”
The girl said, “That’s right, and I also saw on your driver’s license that you flunked sex.”
Care about Terminology
The psychiatrist was concerned about his nurse’s office procedure, so he said to her, “When you answer the phone, just say, ‘We’re terribly busy just now,’ instead of ‘It’s a madhouse here.’”
Communication Deterioration
A school superintendent told his assistant superintendent the following: “Next Thursday morning at 10:30 Halley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every seventy-five years. Call the school principals and have them assemble their teachers and classes on their athletic fields and explain this phenomenon to them. If it rains, then cancel the day’s observation and have the classes meet in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.”
Assistant superintendent to school principals: “By order of the superintendent of schools, next Thursday at 10:30 Halley’s Comet will appear over your athletic field. If it rains, then cancel the day’s classes and report to the auditorium with your teachers and students where you will be shown films, a phenomenal event which occurs only once every seventy-five years.”
Principals to teachers: “By order of the phenomenal superintendent of schools, at 10:30 next Thursday Halley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the athletic field, the superintendent will give another order—something which occurs only once every seventy-five years.”
Teachers to students: “Next Thursday at 10:30 the superintendent of schools will appear in our school auditorium with Halley’s Comet; something which occurs once every seventy-five years. If it rains, the superintendent will cancel the comet and will order us out to our phenomenal athletic field.”
Students to parents: “When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the school athletic field, the phenomenal seventy-five-year-old superintendent of schools will cancel all classes and appear before the school in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Haley and the Comets.”
Awesome Obedience
A few centuries before Christ, a man named Alexander conquered almost all of the known world using military strength, cleverness and a bit of diplomacy. The story is told that Alexander and a small company of soldiers approached a strongly fortified walled city. Alexander, standing outside the walls, raised his voice and demanded to see the king. When the king arrived, Alexander insisted that the king surrender the city and its inhabitants to Alexander and his little band of fighting men.
The king laughed, “Why should I surrender to you? You can’t do us any harm!” But Alexander offered to give the king a demonstration. He ordered his men to line up single file and start marching. He marched them straight toward a sheer cliff.
The townspeople gathered on the wall and watched in shocked silence as, one by one, Alexander’s soldiers marched without hesitation right off the cliff to their deaths! After ten soldiers died, Alexander ordered the rest of the men to return to his side. The townspeople and the king immediately surrendered to Alexander the Great. They realized that if a few men were actually willing to commit suicide at the command of this dynamic leader, then nothing could stop his eventual victory.
Are you willing to be as obedient to the ruler of the universe, Jesus Christ, as those soldiers were to Alexander? Are you as dedicated and committed? Think how much power Christ could have in our area with just a portion of such commitment.
Lost Cause
I found New York City immense and confusing on my first trip there. One evening during the rush hour, I stopped at a newsstand in the heart of Times Square and asked the vendor which direction was north. “Look, buddy,” he replied in a loud and annoyed voice. “We got uptown, we got downtown, and we got crosstown. We don’t got north.”
Forceful Advice
At Washington National Airport, a long line had formed at one of the airline ticket windows. Suddenly, a strange-looking character charged up to the front of the line, put ten dollars on the counter and said to the ticket agent, “I want to go to New York.” The clerk said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t go to New York for ten dollars.” The man asked, “Well, where can I go?” And fourteen people in the line told him where to go with great precision.
Lost in Translation
I attended the Pastor’s Conference at Mt. Hermon Conference Center and heard Chuck Swindoll of the Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California. He shared this story on the things that are sometimes lost in translation:
It seems that some years ago the people of Texas were being plagued by a Mexican bandit who continuously slipped across the border and robbed their banks. His name was Jorge Rodriguez. He had become bolder and more successful, and yet they could never capture him before he hightailed it back across the border to his hideout in the mountains of Mexico. Finally, they had had enough of this so they hired a well-known detective and sent him down into Mexico to get back their money. He set off for the small town reputed to be the hideout of Rodriguez.
The detective found the small Mexican town, walked into the saloon, and lo and behold, there in the corner was the man he was after, Jorge Rodriguez. “Aha,” he said, “I’ve found you” and he pulled out his gun. “Where have you hidden the millions you have stolen from our banks in Texas? Tell me, or I’ll blow you away!” At this point another man, Juan Garcia, who was also in the saloon, stepped up to the detective and said, “Sir, you are wasting your time talking to Jorge like this. He doesn’t understand a word of English. He has no idea what you just said. Would you like me to translate for you?” The detective said, “Yes, of course. Tell him to confess to me where the money is or I’ll kill him.” So Juan Garcia turned to Jorge and jabbered away at him for a few moments in Spanish. There was much gesturing and chattering, and Jorge told Juan in Spanish that if he would take the man to the well that was just a mile out of town, climb down into the well, and remove the third brick, there he would find more than $3 million in gold. When Jorge was finished speaking, Juan, the helpful translator, turned around to the detective and said, “Senor, he says that he has absolutely no idea where the gold is. I’m sorry.”
Did the Message Get Through?
An executive who had recently hired an English secretary had to go on a business trip to London. While he was away, a salesman who had never spoken to the new secretary made one his periodic telephone calls to the executive’s office. “Mr. Allen is in the United Kingdom,” the secretary told him. The salesman was shocked. “I’m terribly sorry,” he said. “Is is too late to send flowers?”
Emergency
A man was filling out an application for a factory job, and was puzzled by the blank after “Person to notify in case of accidents.” Finally, he wrote, “Anybody in sight.”
Try Again
A hobo knocked on the door of an English pub called “George and the Dragon.” A woman opened the door. He asked, “Could I have a bit to eat?” The woman screamed at him and began to curse and malign him. Finally, she slammed the door in his face. He knocked again and the woman opened the door. “Now,” he said, “could I have a few words with George?”
Gaps in Communication
A grandmother was constantly trying to improve her little granddaughter’s vocabulary. She taught her some new words to use and occasionally gave her advice on words not to use. On one occasion, the grandmother said, “My dear, I want you to do something for me. Would you promise not to use two words? One is swell and the other is lousy.” The girl said, “Sure, Granny. What are the two words?”
What’s in a Title?
There was once a difficulty in the Rev. Samuel West’s congregation in old New England. The choir had declined to proceed with the music. So the shrewd clergyman introduced the services with the hymn “Come, We That Love the Lord,” and asked the congregation to begin with the second verse: “Let those refuse to sing who never knew our God.”
Technical Jargon
Maybe you saw the Wizard of Id comic strip the day the King came down to check with the Royal Technicians at work on the space project. The King says, “How’s the Royal Space Project progressing?” And the technician replies, “We’ve run into a problem. There’s been a major malfunction of the primary propulsion system in the first stage vehicle.” The King asks, “What does that mean?” And the technician replies, “It means the rubber band broke.”
A Rose by Any Other Name
I’m always impressed with the human tendency to try to change reality by renaming things. You see it in academic papers where they often pour forth commonalities but disguise them in academic jargon and act as if they’ve said something profound. Part of the process of communication is exposing the several layers of truth—and putting it in varied language so that it comes across to any and all who are listening. All of which is to say I’ve always enjoyed stories that expose this nonsense. Take the business about titles. No one is a garbageman anymore—he’s a Sanitation Engineer. No one is a janitor—he is called the Director of Custodial Services, or the Environmental Displacement Engineer.
It reminds me of the story of the man eating lunch in an organic natural food restaurant. When he looked into his soup, he was disturbed by what he saw. He called the waitress over and said, “Young lady, there’s dirt in my soup.”
She looked at it carefully and said, “No sir, that’s earth.”
Mistakes in Communication
Two farmers were chatting in front of the bank. “I hear you made $60,000 in alfalfa,” said the first. Not wishing to be impolite, his friend replied, “Well, that isn’t quite right. It wasn’t me, it was my brother, it wasn’t alfalfa, but oats; not $60,000; and he didn’t make it, he lost it.”
Communication and Crime
Peter Drucker, often called the “father of American management,” claims that 60 percent of all management problems are a result of faulty communications. A leading marriage counselor says that at least half of all divorces result from faulty communication between spouses. And criminologists tell us that upwards of 90 percent of all criminals have difficulty communicating with other people. –Nido Qubein
Babblejargon
The following notice was sent home with some high school students: “Our school’s cross-graded, multi-ethnic, individualized learning program is designed to enhance the concept of an open-minded learning program on the continuum of multi-ethnic, academically enriched learning, using the identified intellectually-gifted child as the agent of his own learning.” One parent sent back a note which read, “I have a college degree, speak two foreign languages and four Indian dialects . . . but I haven’t the faintest idea what you are talking about.”
Christian, how about your communication of the gospel? Is it so loaded with babblespeak that no one understands what you are saying?
Punctuation
It’s important how you punctuate your writing. A woman who was concerned about her husband who had joined the navy, handed a prayer request to her pastor, which read: “George Bowen, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.” The pastor read the note to the congregation this way: “George Bowen, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
When You Really Don’t Need a CPA
Two men were in a hot-air balloon and were lost. They spotted a man on the ground so they descended within shouting distance, hoping he could give them some direction. One man leaned over the edge of the basket and shouted: “Could you please tell us where we are?” The man said, “Yes, you are in a balloon about fifty feet in the air.” The man in the balloon said to his partner, “Let’s ask someone who isn’t a CPA.” His friend said, “How do you know he’s a CPA?” He said, “Because he gave us completely accurate information which was of absolutely no value to us!”
Clarity in Communication
The following items are from letters for support received by a welfare department:
“I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years ago. When do I get my money?”
“I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?”
“I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is now dead.”
“This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?”
“I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I married his father a week before he was born.”
“I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children. One is a mistake as you can see.”
“Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.”
“You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?”
“In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.”
Tell Us a Story
The intimate rapport of teller and audience is essential to modern storytelling, and perhaps the key to its newfound popularity. Ellin Greene, professor of the University of Chicago, says, “We’re saying that television and other forms of entertainment aren’t intimate enough and aren’t giving us the kind of inner nourishment we need.”
We so quickly get sidetracked from the simple story nature of our faith! We begin to think that theology saves us, that truth is somehow embodied in our theory of the atonement, or our mastery of eschatological charts. But when Jesus wanted to communicate the truth of God’s kingdom, He left out the polysyllables and told a story about a woman who lost a coin or a man who dug for treasure. The kingdom of heaven is like this . . . He said. Dare we ask for a more “scholarly” explanation from the Son of God? Unless we become as children, He said, we cannot enter the kingdom. And children love stories. –The Bible Newsletter
How’s That Again?
Psychologist James Dobson reports seeing a sign on a convent in southern California reading: Absolutely No Trespassing—Violators Will Be Prosecuted to the Full Extent of the Law. Signed, “The Sisters of Mercy.”
Show Them What You Mean
John McDonald is the author of seventy best-selling novels, including twenty about the “Salvage” expert, Travis McGee. McDonald was recently interviewed in USA Today by George Vasallo. One of the questions that was put to him was: “What was the best piece of advice you were ever given?” His answer is a colorful illustration of the power of demonstration or example over mere theorizing. His answer was: “Don’t tell ’em, show ’em.” Bad version: “Fred was a man with a very bad case of body odor.” Better version: “As Fred came walking down the country road, a herd of goats looked at him in consternation, then all ran off into a field gagging and coughing.”
Preaching or Cleaving?
The mother was waiting for the butcher, who was late. (This was back in the days when butchers made house calls.) She told Johnny, “I’m going upstairs. If the butcher comes, let me know. I want to talk to him.” Johnny forgot who his mother wanted to see, so when the minister called, he shouted upstairs, “Ma, that man’s here now.” The mother answered, “I can’t come now, give him the money out of my purse, and tell him we didn’t like his tongue last week, and we’re going to change!”
Retitled It
A seminarian turned in his typed-up sermon to his homiletics prof for grading. When he met with him for a conference, the professor started out very positively. He said to the young man, “I like your exegesis. You have presented the meaning of the text in a helpful and clear fashion. Your three points make sense, they show balance and progression. Your introduction and your conclusion both show a great deal of thought. The illustrations you used seemed most appropriate. However, I am going to give you a D on the sermon.” The seminarian was taken aback and said, “Why a D if it’s all that good?”
The professor said, “Well, frankly, it’s because of your sermon title. It is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Nobody will want to come hear a sermon entitled: ‘The Pericopes of Jesus in Relationship to the Eschatology of the Apostle Paul.’ I tell you what I’ll do. You see if you can come up with a better sermon title, and I’ll reconsider the grade. What you want is a title that will reach out and grab people by the heart. A title that will compel them to come and hear what you have to say. Imagine that title out on the sign in front of a church with such impact that if a bus stopped in front of the church and the people on the bus saw the sign, it would be so powerful it would motivate them to immediately get off the bus and run into the church.”
The young preacher said he would give it his best shot. So he went home and he wrestled with this task all night long, sweating bullets. The next morning, he showed up at his prof’s office and handed him his new sermon title, which read: “Your Bus Has a Bomb on It!”
Navy Jargon
A newly commissioned ensign, at sea for the first time, was entering the wardroom when he bumped into a seaman carrying a mop and pail. The ensign asked him, “Where you going, sailor?” And he replied, “I’m going downstairs to mop the floor, sir.” The ensign snorted, “You’d better learn naval terminology, sailor. You’re not going downstairs to mop the floor, you’re going below to swab the deck.” The sailor replied, “I’ll try to remember, sir.” The ensign came back, “You’d better. If I ever hear you say ‘downstairs’ again, I’ll throw you out that little round window over there.”
Complete Breakdown
A mature-looking lady had an appointment with a marriage counselor, and told him flat out: “I would like to divorce my husband.” To this, the counselor replied, “Well, do you have any grounds?” She answered, “Why, yes. We have almost an acre.” The puzzled counselor asked her, “You don’t understand. What I want to know is do you and your husband have a grudge?” The lady answered, “Actually, we don’t, but we do have a nice carport.” At this, the counselor shook his head and said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I just don’t see any reason why you should divorce your husband.” The lady looked at the counselor and said to him, “It’s just that the man can’t carry on an intelligent conversation.”
Powerful Message
Woman to neighbor: “I have a marvelous meat loaf recipe. All I do is mention it to my husband and he says, ‘Let’s eat out.’”
Sympathetic Attitude
A surgeon was discussing a case with a class of medical students: “The muscle in the patient’s right leg has contracted until it is shorter than that in the left. Therefore, he limps. What would you do in such a circumstance?” One student raised his hand and said, “I’d limp too.”
Identity Crisis
There is the story of a woman who, early one morning, made a mad dash out of the house when she heard the garbage truck pulling away. She was still in her bathrobe. Her hair was wrapped in big curlers. Her face was covered with sticky cream. She was wearing a chin-strap and a beat-up pair of slippers. In short, she was a frightful picture. When she reached the sidewalk, she called out, “Am I too late for the garbage?” And the reply came back, “No, hop right in.”
Communication Snafu
In the small town we lived in, the volunteer fire department’s telephone was answered by the policeman on duty, who would in turn sound the fire whistle to rally the volunteers to duty. One Saturday morning, my father, the town chief of police, had just come on duty when the fire department phone rang. He picked up the phone and said, “Fire Department.” A voice on the other end of the line frantically said, “Send the fire truck!” Then the caller immediately slammed the phone down. My dad stood stunned, not knowing what to do. In a few minutes, the phone rang again. Quickly, he picked it up and said again, “Fire Department!” Again the voice cried, “Send the fire truck!” Again, the caller immediately hung up. Realizing that someone’s house was possibly at stake, he rushed outside and scanned the sky to see if he could see smoke and therefore send the fire trucks in that direction. While outside, he also devised a plan as to how to keep the caller from hanging up so quickly if she called back. Sure enough, the phone rang again and he went running inside. Picking up the phone, he quickly asked, “Where’s the fire?” The lady on the other end screamed, “In the kitchen,” and slammed the phone down again.
Four Speeches in All
William Lyon Phelps, the late Yale professor and lecturer, once said that he got credit for only one-fourth of his after-dinner speeches. “Every time I accept an invitation to speak, I really make four addresses. First is the speech I prepare in advance. That is pretty good. Second is the speech I really make. Third is the speech I make on my way home, which is the best of all; and the fourth is the speech the newspapers the next morning say I made, which bears no relation to any of the others.